i could have died yesterday. it felt weird. i don't think people understand i'm sick and that frustrates me.
i feel like nothing rn, and is that okay? i don't know. i apparently look happy.
it has been hard to go outside, i'm really miserable and work is swamping me. i should do my laundry. i should be working. i'm sleeping to avoid the pain at this point.
i wish i could get help.
who exactly am i? i don't know. my sleep schedule is so fucked that i've been missing class. i'm not sure what to do about it, outside of take a sleeping pill and hope. i'm tired inside.
i saw a bunch of dogs today, it makes me happy. they look so cute! but i felt self-conscious and ugly. i hate looking the way i do, and i hate how i feel, i wish i could be happy with my appearance.
it's so sad. such a weird life.
yesterday was my birthday. i somehow do not feel relieved. i somehow survived two decades of this. i think i'm living on borrowed time.
i went to the farmer's market with emily today. she makes me happy, i wish she was happy too. i shouldn't say that, because i think people feel that way about me, but i'm still who i am.
which raises the issue: why can't i change? why can't i be more likeable? what is so different about me than other
girls? am i even a girl?
it frightens me to feel like no one will love me as much as he did. i think i'm slowly understanding why he left me. he's lost all feeling for me. i'm easy to toss out.
i'm just not someone people can love, i think.